purple brightens up the day

2010-05-19T19:45:00.001-07:00

why Lord?
I'll continue to trust.
but its so disappointing.

2010-05-17T22:38:00.000-07:00

decided today that i needed to study. so im studying. sigh i read the things really fast, now im worried whether i can rmb everything.

been very frustrated these few days. trivial things though. Mariners keep losing stupidly, liverpool gone case this season. i keep slacking around and not studying ACCA nor Korean. so many books i want to read but just end up surfing youtube. If i want this break to be productive and worth it, i better buck up! and be more disciplined, thats the key

2010-05-13T08:33:00.001-07:00

i can't afford to look at her

2010-05-08T09:11:00.000-07:00

My maternal grandfather passed away just last night. and my day was spent at the wake. it was all i could do now as the oldest grandson, to pray and to keep watch, other than helping the adults sort things out as well. I saw a lot of things and understood another part of human life that I have yet to see. I see now even clearer, in retrospect, the struggles in family life, and how sometimes, we as children or grandchildren, really have little time to spend with the elderly. It is ironic in my opinion that there are volunteers who would keep elderly company at homes, where it would be their children's responsibility. Unless of course, they did not bear any children or remained single.

It is the present society's problem, the mindset and just the way of life, of which I am guilty of, that causes this problem. After my two trips to the Philippines, and seeing how family is such an integral part of each person's life and spirituality, I now focus a lot trying to preach the importance of family life and also try to practice it myself. It is difficult though, with the fast-paced life we are in, but it should be no excuse. We are called to that filial piety and love to our loved ones, by virtue too, that we call them that in the first place.

There are just a lot of thoughts going through my mind and since it is my blog, i will refrain from making it into a preach. I started blogging again because I needed a place to talk to I guess, somewhere to vent whatever I feel.

Lord, I ask You to be with my grandfather and take his soul into heaven. I also pray that You would always be with us and empower us. Amen.

2010-04-22T08:25:00.000-07:00

haven't posted for so long. needed a place to shout.
so AHHH

it has been what, 4 years? and i think i may just still feel the same way. but i don't think i dare to do anything about it.

good to know though, that im still alive. just like with Hilda that time.

gotta get it out of my head

2009-09-22T19:39:00.001-07:00

perhaps
just perhaps
i haven't forgiven

2009-08-01T06:54:00.000-07:00

irritated.
think its the result of not praying enough. being such an easy prey to the Devil.
but perhaps im just a bit tired of a lot of things. i need to get away soon. like really soon.
planning something in Sept. go overseas myself. just need some time to think thru wad 2009 had been like. its been..eventful.

2009-07-23T17:45:00.000-07:00

I think whenever I hear or get to know about a fren or acquaintance going overseas to study, i feel that tinge of sadness inside of me. not so much that i'll miss the person, its more of me not having that chance to go overseas. think being in raffles made this a social pressure, like hey, you gotta end up overseas man. think being in raffles had really influenced many that elitist thinking of needing to always be at the forefront of the society. its tiring to constantly maintain this sprint to keep in front of everyone. i know i had a shot at it, but i know i choose to stay in Singapore because of a multitude of factors. and I know that God has a plan for me here. for all the reasons i can think of, i should be happier here but when i think of that elusive overseas experience, i just feel that tinge of sadness within me. before yall start booing and say, "raffles elitist," i say im sorry.

2009-07-21T22:48:00.000-07:00

omg.
had a nap during lunch time at work and had the weirdest dream ever. so bad that i had to blog it. perhaps says something about whats screaming from the deepest part of my being.
started out with me entering a car. so i sat down, then this girl came in (i know who is she but i won't mention, so yeah its not some random girl). she cheekily placed her arm around my shoulder, like good fren kinda gesture. immediately i grabbed her hand and refused to let go. then I felt like I was so dependant on that warmth and affection that I was just living on it. so i continue to hold onto that hand and i wouldn't let go as my world spinned around it. but i still didn't let go until i realise i was in a dream. but it didn't stop there. it was a dream in a dream. so i was still pondering over it in my "awakened" state in my dream. and wow, perhaps i unearthed my that desire for that warmth and concern. but perhaps, i don't really need it. can't exactly depend on anyone now.

2009-07-19T22:58:00.000-07:00

saw something that just wrenched my heart a little, just a little.
i strongly believe that God wanted it all to happen, just that I didn't make the effort to repair anything so I can't blame anyone. So its fine.
however much i wish that God won't put me to the test again, I think I know He will once more. And I will brace myself everyday for that test to come once more, and perhaps this time, try to succeed for once, not to lose another dear friend.

hi fren, how have you been? I have stopped short of asking you this question but I will when you'll fly off to the UK soon. I pray that you'll be safe there and be happy.

about all I can do isn't it.
sad. =(

2009-07-16T08:49:00.000-07:00

haha. jess saw my post on my "crush". so questioned me after bible sharing. ironic thing was, swee was talking about the same girl. haha v interesting night it was. after that me and swee started talking bout how we felt when we meet this particular girl. heh weird, but somehow this kind of childish, infatuative (is there such a word) conversations are so rare nowadays that its so cute to talk about it. haha.

but yeah. she's cute =)

its gonna be a really busy period coming up, and i really pray that i will have the strength to go through it. every weekend is gonna be a blast man, hope things go smoothly!

2009-07-12T19:58:00.000-07:00

i really feel like scolding people. i think i've controlled my temper pretty well in working for the 50th anni but its really getting on my nerves. i understand its the way i work, i expect somethings to be automatic. if i micromanage, i will suffer. now it just feels like im almost planning the whole four sundays thing myself.

work is shit.

2009-07-11T13:26:00.001-07:00

just kinda reached home from jes' house playing a whole lot of Wii. =) being with churchies makes me happy. i just wanted to blog to say that, it feels good to be able to feel that i can have a crush on someone once more. thought this heart of mine would not have a capacity to do so for quite a while. a sweet feeling but thats there. nothing more. concentrate on what i need to do first.

2009-07-08T06:06:00.000-07:00

thought i would do some work and play some games when i get home today after a tiring day at work.

but no. i just sit here and have no interest whatsoever in doing anything. perhaps i should have gone for mass.

so yeah. omg. i dunno man, it just feels a bit weird. weird to just stop doing anything when there's so much to do and just stone. or sleep early. i've been sleeping v early these few days because I am just so tired, and more so because I don't feel like doing anything.

i feel this emptiness once again. its not burnout i know, and i also know i can't be doing ministry admin work everyday non-stop. such a break is nice, but with the thoughts going through my head again and again, it isn't much of a break.

perhaps its because i have no one to talk to. no one is interested in the nitty gritty things in my life anymore and perhaps i haven't gotten use to this aspect of my life yet. been thinking about how everything ended, but i still maintain the fact that it would not have lasted anyway. for someone who never placed me right at the top, think i would be better off loving myself instead. however much i look forward to affection, i know that i will not be able to take another blow. so God I plead to you that there'll only be one more r/ship in my life and that would be to marriage. thank You.

i still like the peace in my life though. =)

2009-06-23T17:58:00.000-07:00

after bible sharing,
i think im closer to reaching a decision on ACCA. and also whether i'll be going for AYD in Philippines! I think its a very good chance for me to go and be exposed to such ministry and events. I think im going!

i scolded Christian for telling me that Felly is going Bristol, then after that i thanked him, because at least now i know and can pray for her safety. thats the least i can go i guess.

this sunday's gospel talks about faith, a lot of it, more of it and only with it can Jesus work miracles in our lives. hence i need to pray more, trust more..

2009-06-21T23:41:00.000-07:00

something very cool happened last night. i visited anne's blog and saw that she put the lyrics of "When God ran" as an entry. So I went to look for the song, cause i always thought the song was amazing and it was so powerful. Then I proceeded to post the link on my Facebook page. Switching windows to MSN, I saw Anne online, her MSN nickname reading "victorious warrior, commanding King of Kings" amazing.. Praise God!

Anyway, I think I'll be heading down to church once again if I can make it in time. For once, I feel this urge to attend mass, because previously, its like im going down anyway. Not that I don't desire the eucharist, its just that today i feel like just plonking myself at the foot of His cross and ask for some comfort. It has been indeed a lil frustrating, this ball of emotions within me that I can't dispel. perhaps the 28th of june is coming - a date which holds a lot of meaning to me. or perhaps it is just staring at a future that I have to discern once more. Practicality vs happiness. wow.

2009-06-21T03:06:00.000-07:00

As events in my life moves slowly into a snail pace before it picks up again, I find myself with more time to think - usually a bad thing haha. The spiritual bombardment before confirmation camp did a great job to my own thinking and way of life; i feel much happier now with a renewed belief in God and His works. For the past week of masses that I've attended, I prayed for one thing - to heal me of my feelings of loneliness. It struck me once more that I'm alone again in this journey of life and hence I'm clinging so much to God and to His people in church. It doesn't help that I am constantly reminded of how dear Felly was to me and that she was the one taken away from me. I miss that company and perhaps just someone who's concerned about how I am doing from day to day. But I guess I got used to it - checking my phone and seeing no messages unread, not having to say goodnight to someone before I sleep and worrying about whether someone is feeling ok. I re-enter the carefree phase of my life but I continue to pile worries on myself so as to remain relevant in this lonely world - perhaps drowning myself once again to ignore the fact that I'm feeling lonely.

well but im still leading a happy life. praise God!

2009-06-07T19:00:00.000-07:00

Just a month ago, I remember asking this question a lot - Where are you God?
Now I realise that I should have been asking myself a variant of that question - Where is God in my life?

By the grace of God, I have already answered that question as I slowly find myself back in church a lot more often and with the fire in me once more.

I will share about what has happened in 2009 so far to let me reach this conclusion.

During the January youth retreat I was just so tired with my schedule that I asked the Lord for a solution. I was in the army, had 3 night lessons a week, YMC, LOG, OWL, Sunday bible sharing with the school people and Felly. So yeah, I asked the Lord for his intervention and all I thought or expected was that He take some of the church stuff off me. He works in wondrous ways I guess, taking Felly away and now everything more or less has fallen into place.

Except that I have lost my motivation to study for ACCA - but I feel that this is an inkling/hint that I should not continue with it anymore. Its very tiring to study part time and it is not like I need to study that for a future - Im still going to NUS. I have already gotten my exemptions and some exposure so that should be enough, heartpain the money only. Because of the break up, I don't have to go for the sunday bible sharing anymore because she's there, so I conveniently left the group - not anything bad, I just feel its asking a bit too much from me to stay there.

So yes, my life is back on track and I find myself smiling a lot more nowadays. I love going to church, to attend mass, to have fellowship with churchies and just there, knowing that God will use me. Now in hindsight then I realise how God has indeed worked things out for me, although in a very very mysterious way - making me think through so much things, on the verge of leaving the church and having thoughts about just ending my life. I strayed and distanced myself a lot from God during the times with Felly and before that. All the promises of it being a God-centred relationship never materialised, leaving me now very regretful when I see couples attending mass together. But I have learnt a lot a lot from this experience.

What I have realised on a bigger picture is that, God will really bring you back if you stray too far. When a shepherd realises that one sheep is lost, he will go and search for it and step-by-step, walk the sheep back to the flock, in the hope of making it feel the sense of belonging. If the sheep gets lost too many times, the shepherd will find it, break its leg and nurture the wound himself. So that at the end of the day, the sheep will recognise its master. I felt that I was so bad that God had to break my leg to make me recognise where I've gone.

So I urge each and everyone who is going to read this post to ask yourself this question, where is God in your life? Is He your first priority? When I go to youth events and I see only a few of my community members, I feel disappointed - although I understand that everyone have their own priorities and stuff. But you see, God has to be first!

to LOG members: if you really want to be there for God and for the community, saying it is not enough. Putting God first in our lives means committing to Him and His plans. If God is first priority, there is nothing that is optional. I think we have been dwelling on this issue for a really long time, and I hope during this time of confirmation camp, we could all come back to God and reignite this fire in us. Saying that LOG is gonna die when you do not want to commit yourself to the community is just telling God that He has to do something for you before you would love Him. Who are you to negotiate?

2009-05-30T02:43:00.001-07:00

bb house d bb house d. always about them.its always about someone else.
bb will lose for the next ten years.
perhaps i shouldn't have tested myself, coz im too weak.cannot la.
pain.
v pain.

2009-05-30T01:04:00.000-07:00

got back to studying. but i feel like crying once i see what i need to do. im sick of studying, not because i had too much of it, but rather, im really not motivated at all. i've decided to give up on law already. guess i will be taking at least 3 exams in dec together with taxation. sigh, is this the way i should go? i wish i had an answer. im pretty much lost now. im only happy when i do stuff in church because i know that is where God wants me to be. anywhere else, im not so sure anymore. think my life's been smashed a bit this first half of 2009. i think i see some goodness in it though but it certainly messed up a lot of my plans. can only blame myself for not being strong enough, so i must make 2009 a year worthwhile. i pray.

2009-05-23T17:29:00.000-07:00

despair.
thats describe me now. no matter how much consolation i can get from friends, from God, I am really lost. lost until i cannot find myself. so many questions are still unanswered. even though i can understand that perhaps this is God's plan, but i struggle to live it out. too many things, just too many things that i have on my shoulders and its threatening to crush me. i wonder how i manage to survive so long without my emotional support. its unfair, it really is. but perhaps i did something wrong somehow somewhere. i just don't deserved to be loved. im sorry i can't pick myself up because its too much to ask of me. i've been angry at myself at God at my life. no longer happy. only try to find that temporal happiness in my time being awake. how i wish i could sleep all day and never face reality. im so broken, yet im called to be there for the broken as well. guess thats what we're called to do. but i feel im in a pretty bad situation to do anything. i shall just drag along and see what happens to me. i really don't feel like going on anymore. its too tiring.

2009-05-20T17:47:00.000-07:00

rawr. emo.
my life is damn sian. seriously. i can't get myself to start studying. man i wish i can be more happy. everyday i wake up, trying to find some happiness but really, its hard to find any in this fucked up life of mine.
God, where are you?

2009-05-19T16:47:00.000-07:00

just got to work.
sigh every day is such a drag.
and come to think of it. 28 jun is coming. which means i've wasted more than year of emotions on someone who didn't deserve it at all.
God if this is Your plan for her, what about me?

2009-05-15T07:21:00.000-07:00

somehow my dad, staff sim and father brian frowns the same way. and its these frowns that just spoil my day. getting stressed from all sides.

i haven't touched my ACCA for a week
i need to settle aunt teresa's air ticket
i need to settle the fucked up photo studio album
i need to plan 50th anniversary double sundays programme
i need to plan for DYD
i need to liaise for con camp
i need to apply leave
i need to do my stuff in NS (which contains a fucking lot of stuff that i can't say)
i need to help my community, and be a community member to others
i need to liaise with so many people
i need to live my life properly

its so fucked up

was at mass just now. was very touched by the story father bosko talked about. the love that he described. i told myself, perhaps thats my answer. to dispel all that hatred and anger into love. but i look up to the cross and said, "Jesus, I can't do it, your standard is so so high".

I am very tired already. really very very tired. im depressed. i shoulder so much burden and my support left me. so what the fuck am i supposed to do with my life? God, can you please tell me? Im sick of hearing the answer to pray and cling onto that hope because really, i cannot feed on it anymore. i really need to live. its like telling a starving person to just cling onto hope and not give him food. i really can't fucking believe this is happening to me. i can't find it. i really can't.

2009-05-13T07:59:00.000-07:00

ok.im too tired to fight for God.work, this thing that thing, all requires my attention to settle. what the fuck am i supposed to do? somehow all these things i don't think i deserve to bear it at all. fuck it man. i don't see it, i just cna't fucking see the way out of the tunnel. i give up.

2009-05-13T06:28:00.000-07:00

vented a lot of emotions on the poor boss over at my photo studio. rawr, stupid designer wasting my fuckin time. feel a bit better now, though tonight i'll end up not studying again. think i'll flung all, but really i don't give a fuck now. life's pretty sian and i find it so hard to be myself again. so i shall not try for a while. and see how things go. i fuckin hate u

2009-05-11T04:16:00.001-07:00

think wenmin is right. im probably not totally over it yet. just managed to suppress that anger for a while. haha. what to do. my life sucks. im cursed. think it feels better to think that way sometimes. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhfuckkkkkk

2009-05-10T06:41:00.000-07:00

another sad birthday. hmm. just emo bout the current state of life im living now. pretty free, yet really pointless. the what could have beens, it just fills me up. when wc wished me happy b'dae, boy so much memories flowed back. guess i just replayed that story once more, and another close fren became a stranger. yikes. the cruelity of life.

2009-05-09T10:36:00.000-07:00

just turned 20 in 1.5 hours time. just came back from church helping out with flowers. oh man, i love flower arrangement hahaha.

before that was at dinner with the whole family, celebrating nai nai's birthday + mothers day as always. when i saw marcus with his fiancee, i just thought of myself. perhaps if i didn't screw things up, i would be able to introduce you to everyone as well. but yeah, u never wanted such a r/ship so ya, wdv. i hate the fact that im the one who entered a rship thinking about long term without the other partner on the same wavelength. coz i look ard, and it seems, every other couple is so rosy and sweet. oh well, call it bad luck. but we christians don't believe in luck don't we? otherwise luck would be a very easy way of explaining why things happen in life. but we trust in a God which makes it all the more complicated to justify things.

but well, since i turn a year older right now. i shall turn the book of my life to a new page. and sincerely hopes no one tears a page for themselves to keep, and leave the gap there forever.

2009-05-07T18:49:00.000-07:00

i woke up this morning later than usual, because im on off. but i dunno how i suddenly remembered a lot of things that have happened to me, and perhaps i did lose a lot of things that i did not want to. friendships especially. still rmb the time when the announcement for council came via yanheng, i was really happy i got in and wanchee too. we shook each others hands and looked at each other, feeling happy that we both got in. that friendship, is probably gone forever. now its more than 3 years down the road but that scene seems like it only happened last week. i have a big problem cause i have near photographic memory. and the memories i don't want to keep are the ones that are so vividly clear to me. and yeah, i rmb every scene that night. two days after that night, i lost a fren. somehow the scene was played out again this year, and sitting at starbucks, i just felt deja vu. it was again a matter of me giving my all, yet fell short of being loved. perhaps im just that unloveable. this time around, i lost even more i think. having neglected so many frens throughout the past year, i find myself once again trying to rebuild the frenships and to be part of their lives again. had this stray thought about, if i were to go for singapore idol, who would be there as my cheerleading group? thinking bout it, its depressing. no man is an island, but i only realise after one year that i've been digging a moat around me.

2009-05-03T23:19:00.001-07:00

after all that sharing about how being more free now is good, can study, can do what I want. but the feeling of such loneliness just distinguishes the fire within me. whenever i try to start the fire again with something i think i would want to do, it just dies when i think about going thru it myself.

i don't feel anger nor hate nor despair. I just feel resigned to fate. The best I can feel now is to sympathize with my own life. telling myself im a loser makes me feel a lot better because then i don't really expect much to come out of my life. i can only excel at things that i can work hard for, anything that requires a personal touch i probably suck at it. yet i depend so much on these r/ships that i crumble when its gone.

its sad. looking at pictures at friends so happy, i wonder what happiness is. as I reach 20 in a matter of days, i really see a lot more to the world than before. not physical things, but the emotions and ideals and choices that people can make. which is scary.

i don't exactly know how i am going to reconstruct this life, so perhaps i should continue to wallow in self pity. when i pray i hit a barrier when i say Lord I lift my life to you. because a part of me guesses that this was His plan. scary.

2009-03-30T08:03:00.000-07:00

i can't do it.
fuck it.
im just left with nothing to care about.
i feel just really numb.
do you know how much i put into it? do you know what i do everyday when i wake up until i close my eyes to sleep? just a sorry, im not ready, takes away everything with you. thanks a lot?
fuck and im just left here to clean up this mess that i have gotten myself into. thought you would always be there for me. fuck. how stupid cna i get.

2009-03-26T01:29:00.000-07:00

perhaps just perhaps.
maybe its my fault, maybe its yours, maybe it God's. all i know is that im left hanging by a thread.
i know im supposed to just lift it up to God, to let His will be done. but the more i tell myself this each day, the more i feel like im trying to just deceive myself.i was naive, really so naive. fuck this feeling sucks, like being abandoned when there's no more fun in it, when there's no more use. so now i live life on my own, trying to find hope in every fucking little thing i see. great job mark, continue deceiving urself so that you may live each day.

2009-03-19T09:39:00.000-07:00

going for sec 4 camp tmr. hope its good. my life now is just a floating blur. all in God's hands.

2009-03-17T01:41:00.000-07:00

gonna go church now to pass kenny the sister act 2 cd.
i know im being called to drop everything and trust in the Lord. but i am finding very difficult now because i can't afford to stop. i know i've been looking for an easy way out of this but perhaps there isn't any. i need to just die in myself and trust in God. its just so difficult after what has happened. there is no time.

2009-03-16T22:49:00.000-07:00

fuck man.
i can't move on. im just stuck in that one place that i cannot get myself out.
i dont have time.
i've been there for you all the way, even when i felt like you're not giving a shit about me.
guess i can't ask the same from you.
thanks for just leaving me behind to face this world.

2009-03-02T22:56:00.000-08:00

ok back to my happy blog. and by virtue of its address, i shall be happy here. i am really looking forward to the next rship i would have, though it would be ages away, its about time I get some love haha. thinking bout it, wow it was really tiring and though part of me still misses her, im also glad that it is over. now i can get back to the list of things i want to do!

rawrrr

2008-10-19T02:42:00.000-07:00

im feeling pretty terrible now. ahhh why does time have to pass so slowly? then again, wishing for time to fly by doesn't give much respect to time. but really, there's nothing else in my life im waiting for, other than for you to be free to meet me. i really hope i can last a while more like this. i just keep to occupy myself with something to do but i can't, my whole mind is about you and.. argghhh i need to go somewhere and just scream.

30

2008-09-28T06:26:00.000-07:00

rawrrr
so angsty. hope this coming week is better.
i really need to get away

2008-09-27T00:50:00.000-07:00

wow a sat afternoon at home. wad a nice feeling. though im leaving in 30 mins time to go to church for exam prayer prep. i actually got a bit sian playing all my games, fifa online 2 and force unleashed.. haha but ok i think i need more of this kinda weekends. good rest.
erm ok tmr night duty, so monday half day off. then tues leave, wed public holiday then thurs go back. friday leave. rocks. im so gonna rest my feet and get them to walk to the lib for me to study. im feeling mentally v tired so perhaps i'll take a back seat all the way to christmas, or until she leaves for holiday. then i'll take up more stuff to do. i just dunno why im chionging for anymore, and im feeling super irritated bout some things. RAWRRR. i think no matter how much i talk to ppl about it, its not gonna matter. i need to just get away for a while. a personal holiday sounds good.. ok shall go check it out.
bb

2008-09-23T01:32:00.000-07:00

im sian. thought today would be a better day but not really. everyone's gone for sports and im left almost alone in the office. guess this silence would do be some good. i wish i could get away for a while. i think its having the thought of going back to the august life again which totally sucks. ahhhhhhhh angst

2008-09-21T07:04:00.000-07:00

21 Sep 08

This is the day when i announce that i am feeling super tired from what i have put upon myself in my life. its really super tiring. i sat down at clementi station before going to jarrod's house thinking, i could have taken the more relaxing path, like just taking NS as a rest then go on to uni. but what did i do? i took up ACCA, took up more stuff at work, took up more stuff in church and still having to maintain everything that is going on in my life. what am i doing? i dunno really. i need to priortise and sort my life out because im gonna collapse soon. every weekend flies by me. when i finally reach friday and the weekend, first up is sat morn tuition, then aft surely have something or otherwise night has something. then sunday mass, session, then bible sharing. my sunday ends anywhere from 2 to 7pm. then its now, sunday night when im just dreading to go to sleep but i know i need to, coz my body is about to melt.
AHHHHHHHHHHHH ok im going to sleep. i still don't understand why i hate being idle so much, yet when i have so many things on my hands, i can't take it. perhaps ever since i went to RI i was like that. fuck man. last time i was able to do it, how bout now? i feel like i just need to go somewhere and just get away from the world a while. nobody will understand..night night

2008-09-03T06:51:00.000-07:00

i just did something funny today. yes i changed my facebook birthday to today 3 sep, and tested how facebook work wonders. sorry to those who got punked but rest assured it wasn't meant to punk ppl (or not totally :p) facebook is so 'reliable' actually so don't start doubting ppl's birthdays haha. i don't feel like talking much about the punk so haha, go figure wad it means.

lookin at the facebook photos of ppl in overseas unis, a part of me really screams out. penn, duke, cornell, yale, omg all look so wonderful and so exciting. but the other part of me brings me down to earth. i know i won't be able to leave behind a lot of stuff so i'll rather choose not to spend 4 years of my life overseas, pining to come home. rest assured its not sour grapes because i know i will get my exchange programme to still experience overseas life so that i hope to get the best of both worlds. best wishes to all those studying overseas!

coming back on a wednesday, a day without night lessons, a day that is in the middle of the week. i just sit at my com, trying to find things to do but there's nothing. games don't really facinate me anymore, just either watch some movie or stuff. my life is pretty boring now =( perhaps i expect too much from myself because sometimes when i pause and sit down, i feel pretty tired..

2008-08-31T18:46:00.000-07:00

i felt a lil sad after watching nus open. before saying why i was sad, i shall talk about wad i did when i was sad. i went all the way back to kovan, thinking of wad to eat (i eat a lot when im sad). wanted to spam macs and kfc, but realised hey there's curry chicken noodle. ok i got myself a bowl and sat down to eat alone. i am never ashamed of eating alone, its like just me and my foood so i can fully appreciate it. then went to the confectionary, got myself a mini yam snowskin mooncake then a choc ball which i threw away coz it sucked. the mooncake was v nice though. then had bubble tea which accompanied me all the way home.
ok now. nus open. brought back many memories of playing softball but more importantly, i see how james, yr and keefe are so into the uni life already. one thing tt struck me was, when keefe said, hey yr can drive us back to hall to change. (coz they had d&d at night). three things. first yr can drive around --> freedom, other than the fact tt he alr CAN DRIVE. second - back to hall, its like still a place where we live away from home, but somehow that sounds a lot different that back to camp. third - d&d at night, fun, music, people.. so it sucks. no matter how my army is pretty relaxed. add ACCA, add responsibilities that i put upon myself at work, or the things i wanna do is put on my shoulders and im just dragging it along as i wade thru this sea of army live, slowly.. just lookin thru the facebook photos of the various uni stuff also makes me think like, hey there's two more years to this. but then again, somethings still irk me which i will talk about in the next para.

met up with yj and lossy and just talking bout uni for a while (because the convo topic is always army). yj and i were like, ok nus bizad orientation is by SDU, so guess we're NOTT going haha. but i know its kinda compulsory so wtf. not that i don't like orientation, and i probably need to know the people there also, just find tt sometimes it goes over the limit. i admit im a pretty conservative guy, but its not coz im a country pumpkin, its coz of my beliefs in perhaps, wad my life should be like. its so so easy to just be immersed in the partying, getting drunk sometimes and have fun, but perhaps its a redundant process to eventually reach the end when you think like ok, all these partying has to stop, because life is getting a lil meaningless. so if im starting at a point when i know all these distractions will pull me down, there isn't much point for me to go back there and mess around right.. so ok. uni will suck everyone into its' culture but u see, uni's eventual aim is to provide the highest qualification for employment. so basically, u can't screw it up. no honours, no nothing man. especially if i have like a degree and a masters to study for, plus ACCA which i will do during uni. i'll be pretty much wrecking my chances if i go into the so called uni lifestyle. for those who can party and still do well, my respect to them, but not everyone can afford to do that i guess. some may be rich, bed of money to fall on. i don't have that chance to. its like now or never. the rat race is on, but for me, im workin for God. =)
i'll win the race to do what i need to do for this rottin world.

2008-08-25T07:58:00.000-07:00

hello im back to blogging!

locked it up for a while, but also never post haha, now suddenly have the feeling to pen(type) my thoughts down.
so many things happened, and im pretty much bogged down by life. though i stay out, i have night lessons every mon, tue and thurs, making me really tired by the end of the week. got so many things to say so its gonna be a super long post.

life outside raffles
After leaving jc, i feel pretty different. there was this discussion with yj that made me see a lot of the world after being stuck with raffles for 6 years. we concluded that after enlisting, we became more elitist. don't get me wrong here, i am completely not perpetuating elitism, just expressing my thoughts. so basically, we have been working like how we always do over the past 6 years, thinking or at least i do, that it is the norm to do it that way. perhaps the way of thinking, way of planning and rationalising. then when we really reach the world where we meet all walks of life, i see that it requires a lot more effort to make people think your way, wrong wavelength i would describe it as. i must really emphasize that i have no intent of offending anyone, and pls i beg you don't view me as an elitist, lest i suffer the same fate as someone we all know =) so it gets quite pek chek when you know, things don't get done too quickly because more time is spent on reaching a consensus. i experienced it in jc, pw already. its not that im not hardworking, just that pw is just too structured. wad happened to the ri-style of doing research then reports and stuff. do u actually go do the PI and all in a real project style? perhaps you do but its only a thought process and you go straight to your product. all the structure teaches the thought processes, but don't exactly calls for the need to be examinate each portion of the process.

then i reach ACCA classes. which is sometimes a bore because what can be taught in an hour or so is stretched to three hours - though i can't generalise coz some lessons really need that long.. but it caters to everyone, some students from China who struggle with english in the first place. hence i understand the need to move slowly, but it gets on my nerves when the teacher really goes too slow. just perhaps, the ri-style of teaching was the best, it taps on the quicker thought process of its students and it moves on, focusing more on the applications and the challenging questions rather than its basics. rj, especially math, was super boring because they really go too slow - in my honest opinion, perhaps not harnessing the potential the students there have. having said that, i always think so therefore i sleep, and by sleeping i miss the rest of the lectures as well -.- yes the challenging and application parts. don't ever learn that from me coz i had to start from scratch. so i tell myself i need patience and humility, (again not being elitist), to be Christ-like as i move on to the next phases of my life.

one big thing i saw after leaving jc is that. wow the raffles stamp/brand can be quite biased. look at med and law schools, super lot of raffles and hwach.then i see the people, honestly, in school they are not the top (just my own opinion). the top like the smart asses go overseas but then subsequently those who reach the top (eventually hah after a levels), like with four a's, also become the top band in the country. and hence gaining access to the pretigious courses in singapore. cool eh, see the same people from a different perspective now. so then so many ppl get into law la, med la, double degrees, NBS, chem eng, overseas, like wow, standing at the airport with them before sending the DELTA guys to brunei, i wonder where everyone will be 20 years down the road. me and julia was just saying, if someone in this group falters along the road in 20 years, that person may face a lot of pressure when everyone meets up again isn't it? (ok i gotta say it, im not being elitist T.T, not assuming i be sucessful also) wad a rat race in life, a rat race that part of me wants to opt out from, coz its pretty tiring. but if i, or anyone for that matter, don't run in front of the pack, how can we make a difference in the world, or that is if we want to. my motto now is like "heroes", i am gonna change/save the world. simple, yet ambitious. i mentioned it to my superior at work, he was a bit cycnical about it, like how young people always want to do that but succumb to monetary benefits. i sincerly pray and hope i won't be coz i really wanna do something bout the world. then again my actions will be scrutinised upon but it'll be worth it.

church
been drifting away pretty much, dunno why also. yes i was called to serve, because i was given more time in army to do it. perhaps the ACCA classes are making me so tired to contribute more. my faith level dropped, but picking up now coz im doing vespers and lauds now, though not everyday. puts me in peace. then now mr. MARK ABRAHAM got me to also sit on district council so thats gonna be really heavy for me. though district council is just like an advisory board but still, it'll take time. having said that, i still share mark's vision about the district working together, just that the feasibility is a big question mark (no pun intended =)). but its good that LOG is moving forward i am v happy. purpose driven life! and theology of the body! its time we moved into deeper stuff and hopefully absorb fast enough to affect the people around us. i feel much especially for theology of the body, because really the world is stuck in a mentality of the rights to do wadever they want with their body, which is really creating a grim picture of the world right now. booze, sex, klub (ok bar this, not in excess its perfectly fine imho), just basically directionless life. perhaps being raised in singapore put this conservative mindset into me but i would say that religion had played a big part. and i thank the Lord for this. for me to be born into a catholic family and the chance to explore my own faith, knowing where i should go in life, and perhaps having a whole lot more time to sit down and think about life, which ppl now seldom have and do. yupps then still have the school group, jarrod pam adrian shaun james ivan felly michelle jeremy. they had been a great help, especially jarrod in making me really think hard about faith, wad a combination btw logic and faith - amazing! thank God for him =)

okayy i think enuff for this post liaoz, like super long update about my life. still got many things that happened though, some =) some =( but i'll save that for another time.

mark

now for a personal message so ignore me =)

hello i miss you! haha.

2008-07-18T18:41:00.000-07:00

i feel like im standing on a familar cliff, battlin my own thoughts and refusing to fall down.
i realised i need to pray more about it, i know what got into me the last time and its dangerous. i need the ado room..

2008-07-08T08:04:00.000-07:00

acca is tiring. monday and tuesday liddat for another 15 weeks will be crazy.. but i can take it la, having been thru so much shit in the past 6 years of my schooling life. army supposed to be a break right? well part of me that signed up for acca chose not to slack anymore, so here i am, in the books once more. and its only the first 3 modules like omg..one and a half years like this? no wonder nikky dreads it. but i know 3 years down the road i'll really feel good bout myself conquering this shit so i shall meng and go on with this :D
i feel a bit shitty tonight. shall go sleep. and tmr's only wed T.T

2008-07-04T06:02:00.000-07:00

im feelin v frustrated about things.
even getting stuck at a stage of god of war irritates me now.
i feel damn lost and im going for a run now.
hope i feel better after that.

2008-06-21T03:35:00.000-07:00

friday night's meeting with youth council and the adults was terrible. nothing done in two and a half hours. made core team meeting start late and ended at 1.30am lol. so today, needless to say, is freaking zombie-ish. can't pick up my energy at all, so today is just a gloomy day. :(:(
but glad core went well, LOG is gonna make a difference in church, so am I. of all that i preach to my sis, i myself need to believe in God's work as well. however tired i am in trying, or how weary i am as i approach this ending, i will leave it to him to decide.
i am supposed to write faith journal but i really am no mood in doing so. today is totally wasted, but i guess i just need some rest.
how come how come im liddat again.
sry big brother aka yj haha and paul, i promise to snap out of emo soon.
just many things troubling me
my sister's just so worried bout common test that she cries every alternate day, making the family worried as well as a little frustrated about it. i get it too but i know i need to help her along.
work is just sian at times. no choice. can't say anything else anyway.

im happy that confi camp went well, go to jeslynn's blog for her entry but im not gonna post bout it here. it made me realise i need to really give more of myself to service. and God has prompted me that if the next batch of confirmants form a youth group, i will be the one helping them. and so i will.

2008-06-09T06:45:00.000-07:00

feels weird again.
i can't keep my energy up.
its time to sleep again
the world's all gloomy coz i can't find the spark in your words and mine.
i don't know what to do but i feel like giving up
im scared that i'll go thru that horrid time once again, as history repeats itself
but how can i stop myself from falling deeper. i can, if i stop now. or is it.

Lord, I lift up to you my problems and worries. whether acca is for me O Lord, you know best. Amen
I also lift up to you my anxiety of whats to happen and I pray that you can calm me down as I enter this decisive phase of my life.
Lord, help me to know my priorities.
And if it is your will, may it happen. Amen

2008-06-06T23:17:00.000-07:00

i think the log retreat comes at a good time. for me to rest and give some things some thought. i will come out revitalise hopefully because there's just so much i want and need to do, and many waiting for me to help.

so many things i've put on hold

log teaching blog - man i must start on this soon. before i forget the stuff i wanted to input, and before my faith wavers.

writing a book - this one will take time. many things i wanna say in that book. of how i see the youths, the world, through my own eyes and my perception.

singing and dance classes - man these need money. ippt 100 bucks will fund the singing. the rest i dunno man.

im really really mentally tired now. just feel like sleepin for a few days and just lie on the bed and think. yep so i move into hibernation now. see yall on sunday..

2008-06-06T17:49:00.000-07:00

wow how my mood can change. i think i was pretty crazy last night. i just suddenly feel :( again. man i hate this kinda feeling. haven had mood swings for quite long now.

alright nus here i come. hope i get usp too, next year, or should i not? shrugs i also dunno. but wdv, my path is set. i think.

yr u good. zai kia. meet the parents session le.

perhaps marcus is right about things.

Lord for all that you have given me, I thank you. For last night's worship, I thank you. for giving me that belief that i can evangelise o Lord. but strengthen me coz i am weak. amen.

2008-06-05T07:44:00.001-07:00

today was the happiest day for quite a while
received letter from nus, saying i got concurrent masters in public policy together with hons in biz. i was over the moon.
i had an amazing dream which i hope will come true soon. only a few ppl know lol haha. im feelin so so happy.
there's someone to talk to everyday =)
and taize on wednesday was amazing. felt God's presence within the room for once in a long time at taize. i came out smiling. before i slept last night. i smiled, something too that i haven't done in a while. amazing day!

i know u are smiling too =)

2008-06-02T19:55:00.000-07:00

i feel a bit tired. felt like i've ran for quite some time but never seem to really reach the finishing line. or even if i reach it, i won't win. perhaps i should just sit down a while and rest.
but so many things are comin up, so ok i shall just take a rest today and then get up again.

we will run and not grow weary
for our God will be our strength
and we will run like the eagle
we will rise again!

O Lord, I ask You to guide me along this life strewn with difficulties. I know Lord, that I need to go through this to reach your side. Remember me O Lord. Amen

2008-05-25T08:02:00.000-07:00

this is something i wanted to blog about for quite some time now so here it is.
its about how i behave, and become a different person when im with different groups of people.

okay at home right, with my sister, i can be a total cockster, talkative, make her laugh. and just be plain stupid with all the goofing around. then i realise, how come when im outside im not like that. suddenly i can become so introverted.

with softballers. when it comes to talking cock, i totally become a listener. i admit the rest are more COCK than me lol. so yeah i become a passive talkcocker. sometimes what i say, everyone will -.- but i'll be the first to laugh at anything not really funny. lol?

with churchies, this is where im not really a cockster. ok sometimes i say stupid things thats about all. this is where sometimes im quiet, partly coz its in church. but once exit church im back to normal haha. being with them its just another feeling, different kind of closeness. praise God!

with paul, yj, lossy. i become a cockster once again, like at home. i think all 4 of us share the same wavelength of cockstuff to say. (almost said cock wavelength) LOL. so no problem, times together are always laughing..

in army.. lol im really pretty quiet here. i feel v numb in army. like not myself anymore. so its just a weird feeling. but soon i'll get used to it. there's ppl like jenhan there who's damn cock.. LOL yeah.

with alot of other ppl, it would depend. like if im with lewis and junyang and wilson, it'll just be mass talking cock session. haha.

if u look up, other than my sister and LOG girls, basically my circle of frens are guys. as jude will say, on my way to priesthood. lol im sure. haha. praise God for all the wonderful frens i have, and i rmb to say it every night because they help me live my life. appreciate! this sounded a bit like listing of frens but its not haha, so pls don't like :( if u weren't mention LOL! the main point was me feeling differently about myself when im with different ppl. chim eh. lol..

mark :D

2008-05-17T03:49:00.001-07:00

--17 May--

it sucks.

just came back from smu tea session. it didn't exactly convince me to join them at all. i look around then ask myself, is this the environment i want to be in? i'll like the discussion based lesson but there are so many other factors to it. one, one year is actually wasted when you don't start the BBA but do uni core. thought i was for that but come to think of it, the one year headstart in career is pretty impt too. especially when you are later than the girls ur batch by two years alr. second, the people whom i will be studying with. admit it. i can't go overseas without a scholarship. the ideal ppl i wan to study with will be going overseas. i must disclaim that im not being elitist here, but hey i need people to discuss on my wavelength - part of anyone's criteria to choose a university isn't it. i hate it when i feel like my 4As are pretty worthless now with a GP C and no h3. like wtf. well i told myself i won't regret my decision so i won't. i will look for alternatives. in the end its up to me to excel.

so far i mention to quite a few ppl bout taking FASS. most of the reactions were like, then wad u gonna do in the future. im actually not that concerned about that because there are many organizations in Singapore that require such knowledge in geography and how the world works. so i may really end up there.

--18 May-

just talked to my cousin who's also a geog fanatic. shares the same thoughts as me, amazing. Thank you Lord for sending him into my life right now to show me the way.

thanks to jarrod too. he's always there to make me think differently. now its time to makes things work. God works in wondrous ways. (only jarrod knows y HAHA)

2008-05-13T07:46:00.000-07:00

okay so future is a BIG BIG question mark. and a discussion with jarrod, pam and adrain got me thinking. then paul came along and discussed with me as well.

i'll just address the post to paul so i don't have to explain a lot haha. k first things first. im not using happiness as a reason to choose which course i will go to or what my future career will be like. It it something called Ignatian comtemplation which to you, is probably bull coz you don't believe in it. okay but nvm, i will introduce it anyway haha. it is a process where u daydream. u daydream about how your life can unfold. so u pick a path, lets say slog hard in uni then come out, headhunted by big firm then earn money and be successful in the career. you daydream about it and the details in which it will happen. the good things of having financial power, giving family a good life, be recognised. then the bad things of having to work late nights, sacrificing time spent with family. perhaps the tactics in which is required to make the business grow may not be exactly moral. these kinda stuff. then u stop and u assess how u feel there. do you feel empty? or do you feel satisfied with that kind of life. then u move on to different possible paths of your lives. mayb becoming a social worker. bad things like having to worry about money, children's school fees, family living expenses because social workers dont' earn much. then the good things about making differences in other peoples' lives, putting a smile on their faces. then u pause and assess the feeling you get after the daydream. therein may, i repeat may, lie the direction where you will like in the future. so this is sometimes where i get my intentions from, about where i should go and where mayb i will feel happy in. this para is just to describe how i get the happy thing which maybe in your opinion, pretty much absurd.

happiness is probably sorely lacking in this world. ppl too caught up in work and the society's race to the top that they find themselves wanting more perpetually. so what if we identify this problem now and promise not to fall in the trap, will we really avoid it? will we actually enter the working world and say hey, i will not want to be the best around, just be who i am. no problem its possible, but by then it'll be hard to justify why someone would choose to opt out of the rat race when their whole life has been in it. I know myself well. anything that does not toe the moral line, i will probably not do it, barring temptations that i can fall into duh. but usually conciously i will not do it. so how am i suppose to study business and make a profit without undercutting anyone in the process? ok then i give my workers very fair wages, give the suppliers and farmers (or equivalent) what they deserve, my profit margin will be as thin as my hair. well of course if people just brushes that off as saying that its part of the world's economy that there will be poor and the exploited, i have nothing to say. Jarrod posed me a challenge. to start a business that can earn as well as not exploit any parties at all. difficult eh.. moreover, actually extra profits should then be donated to charity right? (being a christian). don't even need to be a christian. as long as the person knows what is right and wrong clearly deep down, the person will do it (donate profits). ok back to the main argument. so will someone in the rat race be really ok with one's conscience and be happy. i am sure there are, really rare cases that their achievements had really bettered the world. but the majority? its high expectations to live up to, and i think i will want to meet that if possible.

then to the argument of only knowing when you are happy when you are in the job. so because of this, you should take the most pragmatic way first that is, the university course. take a good uni course which will give you options to choose where you want to go. so usually, the most pragmatic course ain't the most desired course of the person so the person just gotta slog it out. well it makes sense, sacrifice that 4 years studying something pragmatic then hope to enjoy life after that. so after that pragmatism will stop? and interest will take over? really?
but the main point lies in that you need to know where you want to go even before you have ur university course. otherwise you'll really be crippled by ur choice at uni, causing u to not be able to do what u want in the future. so what is pragmatic? choosing the uni course, or choosing the future?

so if there are bad things in an occupation but there are many more good things, does it mean that there are no more bad things? is it then possible to be in an occupation where there is nothing bad about it at all. fully directed at doing good in this world. there are, and a lot. but the problem with it? pragmatism. other than the people who invented good things for the world and profited from it, everyone else who tries to make a difference don't really profit monetarily from it. what they gain is satisfaction in their hearts. so should we follow the satisfaction? (another pragmatic question) but different people with different agendas will answer differently.

so im not even basing my uni choice on my future career. i would probably like to study what im interested in, something that i know i will enjoy my uni years. after that i can come out to do what i am interested in which will also help people. be it doing mission work, doing environmental conservation, helping devise plans to help less fortunate people, it is somewhere that i can see myself in. i also can see myself being in an established office, busy in the working world, earning money and using the money to serve the same purpose. so where do i go? eventually this kind of question in my opinion will not be reached by logically thinking, or just sitting down and trying to rationalize it. it can be reached through discernment.

so paul, a lot of my thinking is developed from both religion and logical thinking so i can say some may be beyond ur grasp firstly due to your stand towards religion and also ur own set of thinking. its difficult to explain until you go thru the procees i went through. its complex haha..

2008-05-06T04:46:00.000-07:00

ok received smu's letter. got into biz sch but didn't get my double degree. shall call and find out tmr. i suddenly feel like shit. my 4As is pretty worthless so WTF. coz GP C, suddenly i feel i did badly for a levels. really. no h3. i sacrificed h3 and GP to get my 4as which i feel are quite useless now. so wtf really. im gonna be so sour and say that really some ppl really can't make it, but only thing they know is mug. then scholarship boards see then they WAH, but really they can't perform in the real world man. sigh, sour grapes eh hahaha. well can la. we'll see.

2008-05-02T08:42:00.000-07:00

just came back from dance night.
im disappointed. very..
good job terence! your item really lit the night up. so were the alumni dances, all damn good. finale performance was zai. then thats bout all lol.

i suddenly feel a little funny. NS made me feel very weird ever since i enlisted. i feel im detached from myself, my body is just reacting to the world while my mind wanders away. many things i need to do but i just don't get down to it as well.

SIGH

2008-04-24T02:45:00.000-07:00

haha ok i was too late.
i promised myself not to be sad about it.
kaez move on.

2008-04-15T06:25:00.000-07:00

There were nights when the wind was so cold
That my body froze in bed
If I just listened to it
Right outside the window

There were days when the sun was so cruel
That all the tears turned to dust
And I just knew my eyes were
Drying up forever

I finished crying in the instant that you left
And I can't remember where or when or how
And I banished every memory you and I had ever made

But when you touch me like this
And you hold me like that
I just have to admit
That it's all coming back to me
When I touch you like this
And I hold you like that
It's so hard to believe but
It's all coming back to me
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)

There were moments of gold
And there were flashes of light
There were things I'd never do again
But then they'd always seemed right
There were nights of endless pleasure
It was more than any one in love
Baby Baby baby

If I kiss you like this
And if you whisper like that
It was lost long ago
But it's all coming back to me
If you want me like this
And if you need me like that
It was dead long ago
But it's all coming back to me
It's so hard to resist
And it's all coming back to me
I can barely recall
But it's all coming back to me now
But it's all coming back

This is a song i've been listening. its damn powerful singing by celine dion. go listen to it on youtube :)

2008-04-13T06:46:00.000-07:00

yay ocs guys are out. see them again, i feel happy. both at church and at school. buddies lunch! stanley seow is my grandbuddy so cool la. then "related" grandbuddy sharon is damn amusing i tell u. so 'innoc3ntly' cute haha. good to see everyone again. now im sad coz everyone's gonna disappear for a long time again and i go back to work tmr.. so close yet so far huh.. :(

2008-04-02T07:15:00.000-07:00

a sudden emptiness fills me. after my dear liverpool just lost on my psp to some suck team. suddenly my l33t skills are gone but mayb thats coz of PSP. lost the mlb game before that also so lol tonight i keep losing. later liv vs arsenal, liv better win..
got rejected by cornell and nyu. didn't even get cornell's urban planning. i was like wtf but i think its cause of prelim results. haiz. but don't think going US already. even UK is slim. i wanna stay in singapore after all. but i must make sure i get the best programmes, otherwise i'm wasting my a level results.. future, future, future, thats whats on everyone's mind now. so i wonder, does anyone live in the present, like right now. in tekong i find myself living in images of the future, now that im out, i have to always conciously tell myself, hey im living right now and i need to realise it. really feel like a brain in a vat. what i see is actually fake and all. scary feeling really.. im so numb to life that its hard to get back myself. now everyday i check my email, but no interviews, no informing of shortlisting, like oh man.. what if i won't get shortlisted for anything lol? what if 4As and all that i've done is nullified. other than treasuring the experience for the past 6 years, i would be left with nothing.
really would like to get back to o school to pick up another course, perhaps locking. and also buy Brett Manning's vocal course. but i need the money to go for ACCA course or kaplan course.. argh so irritating. i can't get anything done even when now i have the time. The david weekend came at the right time, i need some sort of escape from the world, to really find myself and pray and meditate. life has been blurish now i gotta clear it up..
I think sometimes i become really too complacent with my life. procrastination hiding behind the clouds of trusting in God. I know I need to take action before God can assist me.. but still, i don't know where to start. i look down my road i have a bit less than 2 years of NS to go. within this period of time, i can accomplish a lot a lot of things, but i gotta get down to it. lookin at it, on the other hand, also makes me sigh. i could start working in the real world much earlier if not for it isn't it..
no one can understand my feelings now. not bout the unsure future, but about the emptiness. its just so hard to describe. i'll put it up on the blog because i know next entry i'll be happy. or happier in comparison.

2008-03-24T07:02:00.000-07:00

wee got posted. i like my unit!
yes im staying out of camp so its gonna be like going to sch, in uniform everyday. just that reporting time a bit (15mins) later than sch and u leave sch(camp) a lot later.. haha. but ok, in the words of poey, i kinda got my life back so yeah. shall do something useful now.

got a few projects coming up.
my website is coming up. dealing with all the faith and social issues with regards to the church. thanks anne for the template!

look for a bloody course! now that i know my posting. but it seems the courses have started alr. damn!

go learn singing and further dancing also! good that pek's with me, we spent 45 mins today talking bout dance. how cool is that lol!

mark

2008-03-12T09:53:00.000-07:00

haha, just came back from watching Leap Years with shaun and pam. wondering why it was the 3 of us? because 3 of us went to st berns for taize, but they had pennitential services instead and shaun was in shorts! so we decided to go watch movie! then shaun, as usual, wants to watch the love story so we ended up watching leap years at Vivo haha. the movie was nice and touching but FAKE. i repeat, v fake. the romance was based on 2 days of being together, second day being sex. and 12 years of thinking and waiting. realistically to say, its pretty impossible. secondly, don't go believe in the fortune teller lol, its so singaporeanistic.. haha. yep, so the show was just pretty good, JUST only.
yes POC already! free for a while. hope i get posted to somewhere nice. PSP rocks really, todays transport time is really so short thanks to it haha. will really treasure such times man. i feel free! until tmr haha when i will start doing my scholarships stuff.. yikes.. run the rat race again, not like i hate it, i love it!

2008-03-08T04:19:00.000-08:00

okay. results! shan't talk bout the day. it was just pure stress..
im happy with my results, though a GP c will give me a bit of problem here and there..

for those who think you didn't do well, please not read on, its just ranting.

went to smu, and now suddenly i don't feel that happy anymore. feels like the rat race has started again - for us to reach the stop. there are approx, with my calculation 1500 4A students, include all those with 3 and 2As, thats fucking a lot of people who's gonna fight for whatever thats available. 300-400 med school places, 300 law school places, 200 go overseas. and still u got 1000 people left fighting for all the scholars programme back in Singapore. By the time you reach this 1000 people, scholarships are already depleted so we fight for whatevers thats left. Ok. so the double degrees are snapped up, wad else is there!! ahh.. so we want to fight to reach the top. and we gotta throw everything we have now.
most guys end up command school, then girls can work and get some experience. all adding on to their portfolio. portfolio gets larger. results are more or less equal, so we fight with portfolio. like ZOM.. like so what i was in council, i get squashed by olympiads like a fly. so i play sports, but i get owned by national team players. okay i do both, mayb sounds a bit better but i dont' have a h3. no command school for me as well, so i shall invest in something else that upgrades me as well. wow, so life is like that, can't really stop running.. otherwise u'll just be left behind.

not like i like to be idle! hahaha..

here are my plans
1. Cornell Hotel - okay if they accept me, i still gotta get a fukin scholarship to complement it.
2. SMU LKC scholars programme with double degree - gotta fight with damn a lot of people also
3. i don't really know?

cross my fingers.. i wan my psp first! :D

2008-03-06T00:03:00.000-08:00

Things that I want after POC :D
PSP slim - I want to play MLB'08 the show - $330?
Brett Manning's singing success package - $280!
Call of duty 4 - $50?

650 dollars liao. so.. slowly earn ba. go for the psp first.
i am now offering tuition at $50/hr for chemistry, geog and econs.
life's gonna change after tmr. hope it changes for the best.

Lord I know you have a plan for me so take away my anxiety and give me acceptance.

2008-02-24T02:38:00.000-08:00

wee. wad a week man. lol yes i got confined for something lame but wdv. can't believe im saying this, but it was a pleasant confinement haha. its THE experience man, watching ur platoon mates book out and u still stay there like a prisoner. but really, i think i will leave tekong short of something if i didn't get confined. i got to interact people whom i otherwise will never have. pretty interesting experience. hearing hokkien conversations that i don't understand but still, damn interesting. gonna leave house now. feeling a wee bit better. see u on results day - the judgement day..

2008-02-16T23:53:00.001-08:00

im booking in again. with a heavy heart. it'll be over soon!

2008-02-16T07:22:00.000-08:00

second post! thanks to julia! who was willing to chat with me, feeling much better now :)
gonna sleep now. one night at home. gonna book back in again tmr.
there will be lots of things to do next, scholarships application will be a pain.

Lord, I ask for your forgiveness when I have doubted you. Lead me the way.

mark

2008-02-16T02:07:00.000-08:00

i feel sad. i have 24 hours to spend outside. before i go back to tekong again. great eh. but happy coz there's church tmr! i hate when i need to miss church. then bad news, we will have another 2week confinement after the coming week.. but good news coz after the confinement, it'll all be almost over.
i feel sad about a lot of other things. nothing much cheers me up anymore. im just waiting for that fateful day to come, not POC, but another thing.. if it doesn't then, well time to move on. its funny how life is always sucky, whether guys are in army or the girls at work, it usually sucks. but only when we accept it as a plan for us, will we be more appreciative for it. however for the case of ns lol, it can't actually be a plan for God for an individual because everyone has to go through it. i guess.. so wad we can do is to look from a different angle la. we gotta do what we gotta do. life seems so "in the future" now. what i actually see when im in tekong is what i do when i book out and all. i don't think i will appreciate much of what experience tekong can give me. this is gonna be the longest 2 years of my life (other than the fact that this year is a leap year -.-!)

she doesn't see me..

2008-02-06T22:13:00.001-08:00

alright didn't post yesterday so should post today. first book out! lots of things to say bout army which most can't be said here lol. so first and foremost, happy chinese new year!
army is kinda boring, always thinking that i have better things to do. but realised that to make it feel better, i gotta make myself like it - which is pretty difficult la. this is the first time that i find myself not volunteering for any leadership stuff, like not standing up to get people to do things. well, time to take a rest la, stay low and enjoy this hiatus from studying. 12 days inside was pretty much hell for me. though my section mates really rock, never fail to provide laughter before we sleep every night. I thank God sincerly for them. And for Chiaqi, Pay, yanheng (hopes he's alright after coming down with fever) and also weiquan, made it easier for me to adapt there. lookin forward it kinda sucks, even if i will get a 8-5 job posting after BMT the rest of the dudes will still experience irregular book outs and stuff. so how do we meet up? pretty difficult. so how enjoyable are post-a's? terrible. no more OCS for me, im gonna do other stuff outside to upgrade myself for university. time to re-enter the rat race. a levels results coming but im not exactly that scared, any result will do for me.
thanks to many people who talked to me through sms when i was in confinement, certainly helped me a lot. i got many things to achieve in this 2 years, unfortunately or fortunately, none of them army related :D i need learn a new language, get a business related diploma, go for vocal/dance lessons. interesting days coming up and by that i do not mean field camp, i mean post-bmt days. looks like its a rough journey ahead for me to accept im a freaking NSF.

rec mark =)

2008-01-24T05:38:00.001-08:00

alright. finally its my turn to say the words im supposed to say before i enlist haha. the rest of them are either coming out tmr or saturday. can't meet them sigh, but its time for me to enter army. im feeling a tinge of sadness though im actually looking forward to it. life outside now is really a little boring, leaves me a little too much time to think about things. so go in and make time more worthwhile (like going to the gym). I heard pes c is alright. i don't mind training for ippt either. its gonna be fun la. i'll miss 2 weekends of church :( loggers.. softballers will be out.. and well, see them only during cny then it'll be results time. o shit..

God bless you all..

mark

2008-01-22T04:40:00.000-08:00

back from interview and movie (i am legend) with kartik and iwan. nice catching up with them. the movie was a bit too thrilling for all 3 of us haha, no fan of shocking movies. p.s. im no wuss paul yap.. haha. well, but the movie was well done, really. so thumbs up! go watch before it closes!

ok interview was quite bad imo. He kinda implied I have below average chance of getting through la. still got chance but well.. coz i don't have work experience but the rest is fine. so, i guess take this time, think through really. realised today that actually the future has a lot more to offer, so gotta really think through properly. i am still interested in hotel nonetheless but i have other options. leave it to God. loved today's mass, glad I made it in time. I shall share bout the homily on Log blog. very insightly homily by father Ho (surprisingly haha).

I really miss the guys in army now, and i can't see them until cny. Loggers, softballers, yj, los, councilors. shall all meet up soon, in camp or otherwise :D God bless them, keep them safe =)

I am kinda irritated by this girl, not that she did anything to me but its how she behaves while calling herself a christian. which is why sometimes i think christian unity is not exactly possible.
so someone who does all the "wrong" things is now going to teach others at church what to do. lol. by saying this i open myself to judgement but i believe i changed a lot since j1 and since i left school. hope she did as well. Lord bless the souls she will teach.

mark

2008-01-21T05:39:00.000-08:00

its scary
tmr is hotel school interview
Lord please guide me where you want me to go.
results are coming out soon and its damn damn scary.
actually lol i have plans for all kind of exam scores so doesn't really matter. i wan hotel pretty badly, though double degree in Singapore is a very attractive option as well.
results give u a headstart only, but sometimes the headstart is freaking far in front for some. Lol. so well do i regret not studying more in my daily work, yes i do, but on hindsight i wouldn't have been able to do it. not trying to sound arrogant or anything but i hate being mediocre, its about time i learn to not hate it. damn the raffles programme lol, make me so nervous for the first major exam in 6 years.

mark

Wo Zhen De Shou Shang Le (Cover by Mark and Lewis)

2008-01-19T09:00:00.001-08:00

me and lewis at kbox!

2008-01-19T08:28:00.000-08:00

weeee, was nice hanging out with lewis and kartik. exciting days ahead for us in army. office work i hope and some soccer muahaha. though discussion about the future seems to cast doubts again sigh. its scary and its coming! :D but im ok la, i will have somewhere to go wadever my result so its ok. bot army stuff, cool eh. i like.

now its 1245am, church will be in a few hours time. yay nice to go back to church again. and then next weekend u'll see me at weekday masses yep. Taize later by me! woohoo..
Leave it to God, he will know what to do with me. =)

mark

2008-01-17T07:02:00.000-08:00

another day passed. had a great tea + dinner at tian jin restaurant. eat until v full :D *beams*. will go jin hua again before i go into NS. all the food yay! one more week before im in. read swee's-helped-by-jes post on log blog and okay army is gonna be tough - like damnit lol. hope pes c not that bad pls. im not a wuss, just asking wad for? well but still tmr i will need to exercise. i don't believe it my arms are aching from lousy push ups like omg im screwed-unless-i-train haha.
im praying there will be no merger for the youth groups. i think it would be a pretty terrible experience for the log guys especially. i agree with swee in the way that LOG is like a family already, socially and spiritually, and if u merge it, u get the dissolving feeling and the sense of belonging goes poof.. hope father brian can help the other groups revive if they need because i think LOG is revived after mission trip yay. like wad jon said, we still have the final say so thats really really good. means no merger :D
go youtube and search dane cook's athiest bash. its quite funny though in the end, dane appeared a little too cockster also. but well, some things he says are kinda correct. go search the apparitions of mary. its pretty startling (can't use freaky right..) because suddenly an imagination can become real. ignore all the slams about it being faked or staged, these people kinda live in denial huh. even when i recall my heart pounds faster and faster. don't blame the Lord for not appearing, for those with little faith will be shocked much more than awed when he does. first learn to see him in ur heart and in your lives. =)
kbox tmr with lewis. yay!

mark

2008-01-16T05:14:00.000-08:00

second post in a day! u can see how bored i am. yay i exercised today though, feel really good now. im gonna get stronger. push ups today were tough lo wth, used to be able to do without problem. k training starts now! ran 1.6km only haha but plus stairs sprint so good start la k.. wonder how the guys are coping with the physical side of army. hope they are praying. softballers should be ok, lol badminton and sporrrtss in bintan make us a tat bit fitter haha. i miss bintan weather.. i miss purposeful life.. yes i actually miss studying, not homework, just studying..

i wanna k box!! before i go into NS. i want to learn how to play angels by robbie williams either on guitar or on keyboard before i go in. ok good, plans make my day more interesting and purposeful muahaha. it would be nice if someone can teach me on sunday at church, i really suck at guitar (currently, temporarily - u get my point).

mark

2008-01-15T19:24:00.000-08:00

ok yay i woke up at 10, one hour earlier than previous days. not bad la. liverpool won 5-0, a match that i was supposed to watch but decided to sleep. 6am was my alarm that didn't go off so i shall go run later. :D
i think the reason why i sleep so long is because i never get quality sleep. i toss and turn like mad in the night and last night had some stupid nightmare bout crocs and snakes as usual. then the day's problems just comes back to me and i just can't sleep properly!! argh.
okay today i shall settle a bit of my portfolio and prepare for the interview. i will get into hotel school. =) okay just a bit of confidence boost haha.
i can't believe im saying this but i can't wait to get into NS lol this boredom is killing me. go in run run push up push up ok la, better than now right. wonder how the guys are doing. God bless them.

sms me will ya..

mark

another idle day

2008-01-15T04:48:00.001-08:00

i told myself i will wake up at 7 to go run, ok or mayb 730 after snoozing but i woke up at 11 as usual. Brunch again!
Just played games the whole afternoon until the first significant thing in the day - mass. so yay i went to mass. then i got distracted during mass, thinking of whether to go to the circus to grab something to eat. so distracted until when final doxology ended (the through him, with him, in him one) i knelt down. then i (OMG). so not to be malu, i prayed our father kneeling down. different experience though - but hard to concentrate lol still feeling so malu. but mass brought peace, felt a lot better after that.
then on the way back i really went to market to get an apple pie (yay) and walked to petrol kiosk to get nice jelly ice cream lol, then slowly bus home. a lot of ideas popped up of wad to do la but i think i better not do it. don't wanna spoil any friendship now - saves a lot of trouble lol.
so im back at home! thought i should go run but guess not, dinner made me real full. i sound so much like a bum.

i actually chatted with people today on msn lol. lewis and wilson yay, late enlistees. gotta meet up soon and i still owe lewis a treat for something i don't wish to rmb haha. be happy - thats the bottomline of life.

mark

blogging again

2008-01-14T04:32:00.001-08:00

hey all. im gonna blog again. decided to coz won't really have time to meet up with everyone after i go into NS, so here will provide an outlet to how im doing.
the background was randomly taken by me in Pattaya haha, just stretched out my camera and took it - how bout a no-look-take? haha.

life is boring. everyone is in already and i have two more weeks. i just sleep and eat and watch videos the whole day. lazy to start on anything meaningful unless u count setting up of this blog. took me a while lol damn suck at html la.. just this simple one will do :D

i miss the times in Pattaya seriously. in bintan also. v fun times. but its also nice to be back with my family again. going to church and all.
been struggling with faith quite a bit, guess i couldn't digest so much of the athiest arguments i thought i could so slowly la. i got "freaked" out by the videos of egypt's apparition of Mary. it told me that hey, IT IS REAL. we sometimes look at life and ourselves from a passive point of view. when we really see, its scary. cheem stuff la, hard to explain unless u can feel the same way.

guess this time i really thought wrongly. the empty space really made me think of you but thats probably history. can't believe im back to this shit.. argh, NS = no girl gogo

mark