Just a month ago, I remember asking this question a lot - Where are you God?
Now I realise that I should have been asking myself a variant of that question - Where is God in my life?

By the grace of God, I have already answered that question as I slowly find myself back in church a lot more often and with the fire in me once more.

I will share about what has happened in 2009 so far to let me reach this conclusion.

During the January youth retreat I was just so tired with my schedule that I asked the Lord for a solution. I was in the army, had 3 night lessons a week, YMC, LOG, OWL, Sunday bible sharing with the school people and Felly. So yeah, I asked the Lord for his intervention and all I thought or expected was that He take some of the church stuff off me. He works in wondrous ways I guess, taking Felly away and now everything more or less has fallen into place.

Except that I have lost my motivation to study for ACCA - but I feel that this is an inkling/hint that I should not continue with it anymore. Its very tiring to study part time and it is not like I need to study that for a future - Im still going to NUS. I have already gotten my exemptions and some exposure so that should be enough, heartpain the money only. Because of the break up, I don't have to go for the sunday bible sharing anymore because she's there, so I conveniently left the group - not anything bad, I just feel its asking a bit too much from me to stay there.

So yes, my life is back on track and I find myself smiling a lot more nowadays. I love going to church, to attend mass, to have fellowship with churchies and just there, knowing that God will use me. Now in hindsight then I realise how God has indeed worked things out for me, although in a very very mysterious way - making me think through so much things, on the verge of leaving the church and having thoughts about just ending my life. I strayed and distanced myself a lot from God during the times with Felly and before that. All the promises of it being a God-centred relationship never materialised, leaving me now very regretful when I see couples attending mass together. But I have learnt a lot a lot from this experience.

What I have realised on a bigger picture is that, God will really bring you back if you stray too far. When a shepherd realises that one sheep is lost, he will go and search for it and step-by-step, walk the sheep back to the flock, in the hope of making it feel the sense of belonging. If the sheep gets lost too many times, the shepherd will find it, break its leg and nurture the wound himself. So that at the end of the day, the sheep will recognise its master. I felt that I was so bad that God had to break my leg to make me recognise where I've gone.

So I urge each and everyone who is going to read this post to ask yourself this question, where is God in your life? Is He your first priority? When I go to youth events and I see only a few of my community members, I feel disappointed - although I understand that everyone have their own priorities and stuff. But you see, God has to be first!

to LOG members: if you really want to be there for God and for the community, saying it is not enough. Putting God first in our lives means committing to Him and His plans. If God is first priority, there is nothing that is optional. I think we have been dwelling on this issue for a really long time, and I hope during this time of confirmation camp, we could all come back to God and reignite this fire in us. Saying that LOG is gonna die when you do not want to commit yourself to the community is just telling God that He has to do something for you before you would love Him. Who are you to negotiate?