Sunday, May 3, 2009
after all that sharing about how being more free now is good, can study, can do what I want. but the feeling of such loneliness just distinguishes the fire within me. whenever i try to start the fire again with something i think i would want to do, it just dies when i think about going thru it myself.
i don't feel anger nor hate nor despair. I just feel resigned to fate. The best I can feel now is to sympathize with my own life. telling myself im a loser makes me feel a lot better because then i don't really expect much to come out of my life. i can only excel at things that i can work hard for, anything that requires a personal touch i probably suck at it. yet i depend so much on these r/ships that i crumble when its gone.
its sad. looking at pictures at friends so happy, i wonder what happiness is. as I reach 20 in a matter of days, i really see a lot more to the world than before. not physical things, but the emotions and ideals and choices that people can make. which is scary.
i don't exactly know how i am going to reconstruct this life, so perhaps i should continue to wallow in self pity. when i pray i hit a barrier when i say Lord I lift my life to you. because a part of me guesses that this was His plan. scary.
11:19 PM