Wednesday, April 2, 2008
a sudden emptiness fills me. after my dear liverpool just lost on my psp to some suck team. suddenly my l33t skills are gone but mayb thats coz of PSP. lost the mlb game before that also so lol tonight i keep losing. later liv vs arsenal, liv better win..
got rejected by cornell and nyu. didn't even get cornell's urban planning. i was like wtf but i think its cause of prelim results. haiz. but don't think going US already. even UK is slim. i wanna stay in singapore after all. but i must make sure i get the best programmes, otherwise i'm wasting my a level results.. future, future, future, thats whats on everyone's mind now. so i wonder, does anyone live in the present, like right now. in tekong i find myself living in images of the future, now that im out, i have to always conciously tell myself, hey im living right now and i need to realise it. really feel like a brain in a vat. what i see is actually fake and all. scary feeling really.. im so numb to life that its hard to get back myself. now everyday i check my email, but no interviews, no informing of shortlisting, like oh man.. what if i won't get shortlisted for anything lol? what if 4As and all that i've done is nullified. other than treasuring the experience for the past 6 years, i would be left with nothing.
really would like to get back to o school to pick up another course, perhaps locking. and also buy Brett Manning's vocal course. but i need the money to go for ACCA course or kaplan course.. argh so irritating. i can't get anything done even when now i have the time. The david weekend came at the right time, i need some sort of escape from the world, to really find myself and pray and meditate. life has been blurish now i gotta clear it up..
I think sometimes i become really too complacent with my life. procrastination hiding behind the clouds of trusting in God. I know I need to take action before God can assist me.. but still, i don't know where to start. i look down my road i have a bit less than 2 years of NS to go. within this period of time, i can accomplish a lot a lot of things, but i gotta get down to it. lookin at it, on the other hand, also makes me sigh. i could start working in the real world much earlier if not for it isn't it..
no one can understand my feelings now. not bout the unsure future, but about the emptiness. its just so hard to describe. i'll put it up on the blog because i know next entry i'll be happy. or happier in comparison.
7:15 AM